totallyinaband | #13 [Audio]

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#13 [Audio]

Uh, hey. Is anyone else experiencing... clones?

[There is a muffled banging and the sound of a voice from the next room.]

Shit. Uh, I gotta go. I think mine just got out.

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You see, man! THIS is why I locked him in the bathroom!

Aye but if you locked him in you would've noticed if he had a knife!

Well, I didn't give him one! So no, I don't assume he has one! You're the one who brought up knives, and sedatives! I just want to ignore him until he goes away!

[And... there we are. You now have a rather large hyperventilating Canadian on your hands. Good luck.]

And all day you willnae be able t' use your toilet? I've got a plan, anyway.

[Campbell grabs Stephen by the shoulders and gives him a quick, brisk shake. Yes, that is his attempt to snap him out of it.]

The two of us should be able t' restrain him. So we open the door, grab him, and then if he's no gonna be reasonable, we push him out the door.

[The shake helps a little, but people usually try that when Stephen is having a moment, so he's become somewhat immune.]

Are you sure the universe won't, like, explode or something if we touch?

[A long-suffering sigh.] Aaaaaaaaaaaaauuhhh it's a CLONE, not YOU!

Fine! Fine! Just open the door! I'm ready!

[He totally isn't.]

RIght, then. [Campbell goes to stand at one side of the door and beckons Stephen to go to the other. And then he swiftly moves the chair out of the way and opens the door.]

[It is... less climactic than anticipated. Clone!Stephen is sitting on the floor of the bathroom. He's been untying and re-tying his shoe lace for a while. He looks up at the two of them when the door is opened, giving them his best puppy eyes. He doesn't try to move or attack anyone. Over all, it's kind of lame.]

[Campbell waits and when nothing happens, he leans in to just look at Clone Stephen.]

Were y' no just tryin' t' get out?!

[And then a look for real Stephen.] Oh aye, a real terror, this one, I can see why y' locked him in there.

[And then back to CS.] Are you okay?

[Clone!Stephen looks up innocently.]

Does this mean I can come out? I cleaned the bathtub while I was in here. I can clean more things if you want.

[In actually he just dumped half a tin of ajax into the tub and then turned the water on.]

Aye, come on, come out. [He turns to give Stephen another look.] He cleaned the BATH. What was he doing afore you locked him in, scrubbing the counters? The HORROR OF IT!

He didn't have to do anything! Him existing is creepy!

[Stephen is slowly back away from the bathroom as he speaks, looking like he's about to make a dash for the bedroom. Meanwhile CS gets up, brushes off his jeans, and stands in the doorway expectantly.]

Just kid on he's your slightly dafter twin! [Okay, CS, you get a pat on the shoulder.] D'you want coffee or something, Stephen Two?

[Both Stephens answer at the same time.]

Don't give him caffeine!

I like coffee!

[Scoff.] What, or he'll turn int' a gremlin? He's harmless. Are y' gonna let me make him coffee or do I have t' take him home?

Yes! Take him! Get him out of here! I will be hiding!

[Stephen makes a quite-manly-and-not-at-all-panicked dash for the bedroom. CS looks up well-meaningly.]

Does this mean we get to go on a trip?

[Pft. Stephen. That is clearly not at all what Campbell's reaction would be and he is snickering at you.]

Aye, it does. You're coming over t' my flat and I'm making you coffee. You don't happen t' know how t' use a vacuum, do you?

Coffee! Cool!

...

What's a vacuum?

...aye, well, there's time for that. Coffee first. Come on. Follow me!

[He walks to the door and opens it, making sure CS is following him.]

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#13 [Audio]

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